I guess I should just spit this out. This childish thingy in my head. It’s been there for a long time already and now I think it’s funny… bleargh.. and I feel like vomiting just by thinking about it.
So…. it’s about the thing called LOVE. I have my own history about it. A sickening one, an undisclosed one, a hopeful one, etc etc. So much? No. That’s it and that’s it and that’s it. Three? Yeah.. sadly.
It’s not wrong to love a person. Not wrong to dream for one. I’m a girl after all. Dreams and fantasies, whatsoever. But it’s all a funny thing now. I’m ashamed of those things.. can’t deny it.
The first time, it was after high school and it failed alhamdulillah. I realized that I could admire a person, but couldn’t make a wise plan. I realized later that he was not a person I’m looking for. I made a mistake so I rejected him. Poor. Seriously? Yeah….sadly. A childish me. Failure.
The second time, well, I did not notice that I sort of ‘like’ him. The feeling grew, however, and I became afraid because I did not want to repeat the same mistake. I ignored the feeling, with difficulty, and not long after that he got engaged with a girl. I was relieved alhamdulillah. Heh. Also a bit disappointed somehow. Doesn’t matter.
The third time, I thought I was serious. I was really serious because I made the first move. I was really brave and I am proud of that, even now. But he refused and I could not do anything. Alhamdulillah I was relieved for my braveness. It took me so much. I even saw him in my dreams. Poor. But that doesn’t matter too.
So that’s the three. Well I could say it’s so easy for me to like a guy. That’s why I avoided many men in my life. They might have felt awkward too. I deleted male friends from my FB whenever I feel bad. I refused to talk, to see, to listen to guys. I guess now I’m better however. I managed to speak with some of them.
Many times I feel it is just a foolish of me. I comforted myself many many times. They could be just a nuisance. I told myself not to think that I am somehow lacking in this sense. Never. I don’t need a man. I need someone who can help me live and continue living.
So, now, actually yesterday, I suddenly thought about this again. That’s why today I wrote this thing. I’m trying to tell myself to just move forward and don’t pause. I have other plans and dreams and I don’t want marriage, engagement or admiration to men to come crossing my path now. It’s disastrous! The more I live, the more I agree that it’s me who are not ready to love someone. It’s just not the time for it yet.
Bleaaargh.. I feel tired writing this. This has to be posted in the blog. I wrote it long enough I think. =.=